Knob Magazine

A mustachioed quartet of riders finished first as the 2008 Tour de Ehh entered Nantes today. In what may only be described as a perfectly gay day the riders regaled each other with stories of past tours and shared in song and drink as they meandered through the flat and backwards countryside of rural France. The quartet, which they hailed as the new “barbershop” variety so delighted their compatriot riders that they provided them the honor of ‘First into Nantes’.

Although the four riders, one Dane, one Spaniard, and two Frenchemen, did not share a language amongst them, their four part harmony was pitch perfect. This was much to the satisfaction to their fellow riders. Who, with shouts of “Huzzah!”, rolled behind them for much of the final miles of the stage. “Oh we had quite the gay time” said strongman Thor Husvold, “the four of them made the day a joyous affair.” And so it went as the riders leisurely pedaled through the countryside to the tunes of “Shes a Dandy” and “Sugar-Plum Lady”, sipping the local Gin – of which they had only the highest remarks.

So to did the villagers enjoy the four’s oracular stylings. Nantes,a town whose self imposed quarantine during the 16th century led the local bishop to approve incestuous marriage earned it the nickname, “asylum of the north”. At least today the city of mental incompetents joined in the celebration, their fits subdued by the symphonic wizardry of these four pied pipers.

The decision to return to Nantes was one of heated controversy as some had thought the stench of the prior years tragedy had yet to clear the air. Just one year ago, as the grand tour made it’s inaugural visit, the townspeople erupted into a riotous fit of idiot rage. Convinced an impending apocalypse, the townspeople disrobed and began a hellish orgy of sodomy and defecation. In a scene of unbearable humanity, the mob closed in on the peleton, catching those less nimble riders and subjecting them to the unknown horrors of their vile and crazed imaginations. Sadly one rider perished in the event, while several were so badly injured from the experience that they were unable to continue.

No such tragedy would disrupt the general mood of gaiety and happiness today, however, as riders entered the city un-accosted to the mesmerizing tunes of “the four of Nantes”. Instead the townspeople welcomed the tour with great celebration and copious amounts of their famed local gin. Of course all cannot be picture perfect. When asked about the local women, Husvold slyly remarked “not even if I had a pig’s cock.” To which countryman replied, “Well Thor, if you can’t have the local women, at least you can have the local Gin.” “I’ll drink to that!” the inarticulate Dane shouted to the cheers of his compatriots as they lifted their glasses and took a healthy draw. Well said Thor, this author could not have said it better himself.