Knob Magazine

As the rest of the nation marches headstrong into financial catastrophe Knob’s financial department has the following post interbike investment advice for the impending carmagheddon.

Trending Up: All-Mountain Bikes.
Sure, I know what your saying, with the outbreak of complete social unrest breathing down our necks, why would anyone invest something so complicated and expensive as the a full-suspension rig? After all why not just get a singlespeed and invest the rest in bullets and porn (I predict vintage playboys will be the currency of the post-apocalyptic future)? Well, there are two ways to react to the end of the world, you can spend the rest of your days cooped up in a hole eating squirrel hair tacos and trying to repopulate the species with the hearty stock of a wal-mart cashier, or you could go out like an astronaut, going so fast the your skin spontaneously combusts.

The easiest way to say it is that these bikes feel like mountain biking. Unlike the 5″ trail bike, they don’t seem like comfort oriented compromises designed to attract boomers to the sport and unlike the 7″ free ride machine, they aren’t built for some 32 year old douche with a flat brimmed cap, a lifted F-150 and a free weekend. They recognize the riding not only involves climbing and descending, but also discovery and exploration. In short, if your going to be dead in an hour, the all-mountain bike is your sense of compromised morals and the trail is your petting zoo.  The verdict: Strong Buy

Flat – Two-Niners
We all know the 29″ wheel is the simplest way to get your bike to roll over bumps easier.   They can be built on the cheap, are perfect for hitting the road with a rack full of gear, and offer some performance improvements to the more orthodox 26″ hardtail, especially on longer rides.   Nonetheless, practicality seems very 2008. Perhaps you had a few years after college drift aimlessly in the American southwest, or the bank foreclosed on your house and you needed something to carry your remaining personal belongings on.  But we are not talking about some mid-twenties crisis here, were talking the end of the world.

In response, the theme at Interbike was the 29″ touring bike.  Almost without shame, plenty of big and medium sized builders seemed happy to take cues from the craft built industry and show off their giant tired touring bikes, custom mounted bottle openers and of course, brooks saddles.  Instead of refining the concept, the 29er ship has moved into collision course with the iceberg named hipness.

Sure, if you were to try to survive carmagheddon, a 29er might be a great tool, but the sort of folks these new bikes are targeting are the sort that we may just as soon not have in the gene-pool.  The last thing I want to have to endure at the end of the world is some self-righteous dude who can’t stop taking about how much better drop-bars are on mountain bikes.   If five bikes were on a life raft, the 29er is poised to become the guy who, despite being fit enough to paddle, gets eaten first simply because he is so annoying.  The verdict:  Hold

Trending up – Baskets
Of course there is a third strategy for dealing with the crisis, to get in on the ground floor when the United States becomes a third world country.  Baskets, buckets, boxes and bags bolted to custom made frames were perhaps the biggest growth sector at Interbike this year, with even relatively big builders like Kona getting in on the action.  Frankly, I don’t quite understand why so many people are attracted to expensive bikes that are useless for anything but carrying an unpleasantly heavy about of stuff around with you. Nonetheless, even if there is no new economy, these bikes will be entirely useful in the sort term to haul the buckets full of cash you will need to buy a Snickers once the banks fail.  The verdict:  Buy

Trending Down – Gary Fisher.
One of the overlooked problems with the financial crisis is what to do about zombies. There could me no greater reminder of the threat of the undead than Gary Fisher, who once again was looming around Interbike hungry for brains (fortunately, it was Vegas and there were few to be found).  The fact of the matter is, this guy just won’t go die.  More than three decades after Fisher welded a derailleur hanger on a cruiser, he is still wandering around as a symbol of innovation.  Well, if letting your parent company dress you like a complete asshole is innovation, then the zombies have already won.  Trending: Down